My Best-Laid Plans
10:06 AM
My entire life, I have always been a planner. In college, I'd have brief anxiety attacks if I couldn't find my day planner. I wrote out everything I needed to do, to the hour. I'd lose my mind if my friends couldn't tell me the exact time we were hanging out that night or where we were going. Even now, I color-code my Google Calendar in addition to my paper planner.
When I found out I had endometriosis, that changed.
It's difficult to plan around a chronic, painful illness when you're not sure how you will feel from one day to the next. Or one hour to the next. Or minute... you get the idea.
When your body starts to dictate the way you eat, move, work, dress and everything in between, it rules your entire life. Whether you like it or not.
In a lot of ways, I've become the person that used to drive me up a wall. I cancel plans last-minute. I bail on obligations, even though, in my heart, I desperately want to do what I signed up to do. Because of that, I fear making long-term, involved commitments that I may need to roll back later. And I hate to let people down.
With the surgery I had last November, my pain level has been more manageable as of late, leading me to sign up for everything.
You want me to mentor young women? Great. That's totally outside my comfort zone, but I'm all about that right now. Or hey, Tracy, do you want to talk to people about your experience with domestic violence? Yes. I will do that right now. Or maybe you'd like to give a talk about endometriosis? Absolutely. Let me at it.
I will be the everything to everyone! Everyone!
I used to do this frequently, before I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I call myself a "chronic volunteer." If there is an opportunity out there to help, then I definitely believe they're asking me - and just me - to be the one to do it.
Taking advantage of my wellness isn't necessarily a bad thing. But even as I attend volunteer orientations or meticulously plan out a PowerPoint presentation, I worry if I'll be able to show up on the day that I'm supposed to do something.
I should sign on every dotted line with an asterisk, from now on. "*Yes, I will do this, but if my uterus hurts, I'm staying home, sry."
In some ways, endometriosis has been a good thing for my need to plan. I've become more spontaneous and more open to doing "whatever" when I feel well. It's given me less time to mull over my disease or pain or other symptoms.
But it's also made me pretty tired. And, frankly, it's been kind of expensive.
Endometriosis is a progressive disease, meaning that I can expect to feel worse as time goes on. And it's kind of hard to explain, but it's forced me to confront my own mortality, even though it's not a terminal illness. Maybe a better word is that it's forced me to confront my "able-bodiedness." (It's a word now, if it wasn't before.)
My husband, Andrew and I planned out a vacation this summer. Since we're avid concert goers, we try to do a vacation one summer and then a music festival the next.
After we booked that vacation, I found out my favorite band of all-time, U2 (don't hate) is going on tour.
Now, I like to think of myself as a fiscally responsible person, to the point of nearly being financially neurotic. I've gotten better about it over time, but I used to refuse to spend money on myself. So when I saw that U2 - a band that's "getting up there" in age - would be touring, I jumped on the tickets, even though I immediately grumbled about how "irresponsible" I was being because we just planned a vacation.
But I'm not promised a healthy body next year or even next month. When I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 24, I immediately developed a feeling that I was running out of time. There will likely come a day when I can't hike through a national park or dance for three hours at a concert. And it will likely be sooner for me than it will be for most people.
Already, I have difficulty walking some days. The sciatic nerve that goes from my left hip through my left knee is the source of much of my pain, and when that flares up, even moving around my home can be difficult.
At the grocery store with my husband this week, I hunched over a shopping cart like my 100-year-old grandfather does over his walker. (He really is 100.) I dragged my leg behind me and periodically made pained expressions while shooing Andrew away when he offered to take the cart.
 |
| When my song comes on in the club |
Andrew and I want to travel and share experiences while I'm healthy and while my episodes of limited mobility are infrequent. We want to do things now before I find out I have yet another autoimmune disease or need another invasive treatment or surgery.
But in addition to that, my health has interfered with every other major life plan that one could have.
Do I want to go to grad school some day?
What do I want my career to look like?
Can I ever travel internationally?
Should I take up this two-year commitment?
Am I physically able to ever be a parent?
What do I want my career to look like?
Can I ever travel internationally?
Should I take up this two-year commitment?
Am I physically able to ever be a parent?
That's when it gets even harder to plan. When my goals cost serious cash or dramatically impact another person, I have to pump the brakes and think hard about it. Yes, I can't let everything take a backseat to endometriosis, and I absolutely don't. But there has to be a point in which I'm honest with my limitations.
This may seem like a downer of a blog post, but I assure you that it isn't for me. If anything, it's made me more appreciative of my good days. It's what pushes me to exercise, leave my house and try new things when I feel well enough.
When you feel like your days are limited in a way, you start to live a little more.
Because of endometriosis, it will probably be a little bit of time before Andrew and I stop renting and buy a house. I will probably never be a parent (my likely infertility and discomfort around children aside.) I may not be able to fit in all of the things you're "supposed" to do before you turn 40. And my planner may be filled with more "suggestions" than obligations, now...
But, at least right now, I don't feel like I'm living a limited life. As much as I wish I could plan like the next person, I know that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. There's a tendency to feel invincible in your 20s that I've never truly felt, and in a way, I'm thankful that I learned it earlier rather than later.
So until endometriosis does take away my ability to do the things I love, I won't let it. And when I have to rip up my best-laid plans, I will try my hardest to limit my anguish, self-blame and disappointment. Because I know that I'm doing everything I physically can at the moment, while learning to take care of this sore and fickle body.
So yeah. Remind me I said all of this next time I have to text someone "Sorry, I can't make it."
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35 comments
Dear dr williams, your herb has saved my life and my sanity. I was scared, and had been seeing numerous specialists and almost all of the straight away told me I had to remove my uterus because of my large fibroid. Can you believe this? To top it all up, none of those doctors had answered my simple questions on the subject. I was so scared that I would not be able to have a baby as surgery seemed like the only choice then. Your product had dramatically allayed my fears. I have read many other guides on the subject of fibroids and i think dr williams herb is yours offers and the only true and lasting solution to fibroid. I am a walking living proof of that claim. It has been 3 months since I implemented dr williams herbal portion, and I am now completely clear of fibroids and I am sure I am on my way to become a mother. I also feel very healthy and vibrant. Thank god for your work and support dr williams, for more information about his herb you can also contact his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteJust wanna say a big thank you Neme Amber for introducing me to Dr Emmanuel the great HERBALIST that helped me prepare home remedies that cured my herpes (HSV 2).
DeleteI was infected with HSV 2 for the past two years and i was unable to get a better job cos all the company i was to get employed checked our blood test and found out that i was positive to GENITAL HERPES and i loosed employment.
So i was desperate to get a cure so that i can live normal and get my job training.
i earlier made some research and i contacted some doctors online but they keep on asking for money for courier after that they'll tell you that tax and so more so i became broke and frustrated.
One day i was less busy so i decided to make latest research on herpes cure and i found a site were everyone was talking about DR Emmanuel and herbs ability to cure herpes.
So i discussed with Neme Amber and she explained to me that its very easy working with Dr Emmanuel so i contacted DR Emmanuel via email ( nativehealthclinic@gmail.com ) and he helped me just as he has helped others now im cured and different medical centers has tested me and approved me cured.
so i decided to thank Neme Amber cos she made it possible for me.
and i can also assure you that he can also help you. so if you need the service of DR emmanuel, ill put his details here so that you can easily get in touch wif him.
his email: nativehealthclinic@gmail.com or WhatsApp him at +2348140073965. instagram ig:@dremmanuel2
my Name is Grace from US,once again thanks to Neme Amber. im fucking hapy....
AM ANTHONY, THANKS TO DR ONIHA WHO CURED ME FROM THE SHAME AND EMBARASSMENT OF WEAK ERECTION AND PREMATURE EJACULATION.
DeleteMY WIFE WAS NOW ALREADY COMPLAINING THAT, I CAN'T SACTISFY HER SEXUALLY, BECAUSE OF THAT PROBLEM, I ALMOST LOST MY RESPECT FROM HER AS A HUSBAND, SHE WAS NOW CAUSING PROBLEM EVERYTIME WE MEET, UNTIL A FRIEND RECONMENDED DR ONIHA HERBAL MEDICATION TO ME, AND I USED IT FOR ONLY TWO WEEKS, AND MY SEX ORGAN WAS RESTORED, AND I CAN NOW LAST 25 MINUTES ON BED WITH MY WIFE.AND PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE HOUSE, IN CASE YOU WANTS TO CONTACT DR ONIHA FOR A SIMILAR PPURPOSE, YOU CAN REACH HIM ON HIS PHONE OR WHATSAP +2347089275769 OR EMAIL: DRONIHASPELL@YAHOO.COM
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Our struggle with infertility started in 2012, months after we got married. After a year of failed attempts trying to conceive naturally, we seek help through a local specialist. We were told that our treatment options were limited, and after a year of no progress, we were close to giving up. We decided to take a break from the struggle and heartache to discuss our options. During that time, we researched and found marvelspelltemple @ gmail. com We knew after reading patient success stories and his achievements that we wanted to meet with him. Little did we know how much he would change our lives. At our consultation, he told us that we had a 0% chance of conceiving naturally and that his Pregnancy Spell was our only option. He ensured us that he felt confidence in his spell and we had a 100% chance of success. We decided to go through with the process and on our first try, I became pregnant with twins!
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After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr AKHERE and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com
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hello, I am becky morgan After being in relationship with Anderson for years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4 pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem. email: {drgodfathercure@gmail.com or what's app +2347062606817} you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other Case.
ReplyDelete1) Love Spells
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ReplyDeletehello, I am becky morgan After being in relationship with Anderson for years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4 pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem. email: {drgodfathercure@gmail.com or what's app +2347062606817} you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other Case.1) Love Spells2) Lost Love Spells3) Divorce Spells4) Marriage Spells5) Binding Spell6) Breakup Spells7) Banish a past Lover8.) You want to be promoted in your office/ Lottery spell9) want to satisfy your loverContact this great man if you are having any problem for a lasting solutionthrough {drgodfathercure@gmail.com or whats app him on +2347062606817
ReplyDeleteI was despondent because i had a very small penis, about 2.5 inches soft and 4 inches hard not nice enough to satisfy a woman, i have been in so many relationship, but cut off because of my situation, i have used so many product which doctors prescribe for me, but none could offer me the help i searched for. i saw some few comments on the INTERNET about this specialist called Dr movo and decided to contact him on his email: {drmovo.supernaturalherbalmedic@gmail.com} so I decided to give his herbal product a try. i emailed him and he got back to me, he gave me some comforting words with his herbal pills for Penis Enlargement, Within 3 week of it, i began to feel the enlargement of my penis, " and now it just 4 weeks of using his products my penis is about 9 inches longer, and i had to settle out with my Ex girlfriend JOY, i was surprised when she said that she is satisfied with my sex and i have got a large penis. Am so happy, thanks to Dr movo I also learn that Dr movo also help with Breast Enlargement Hips and Bums Enlargement etc.. If you are in any situation with a little Penis, weak ejaculation, small breast_hips_bums do get to Dr movo now for help on his email:{drmovo.supernaturalherbalmedic@gmail.com} or whatsapp +2347061865209.
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ReplyDeleteJoy and happiness is all i see around ever since i came in contact with this great man. i complained bitterly to him about me having herpes only for him to tell me it’s a minor stuff. He told me he has cured thousands of people but i did not believe until he sent me the herbal medicine and i took it as instructed by this great man, only to go to the hospital after two weeks for another test and i was confirmed negative. For the first time in four years i was getting that result. i want to use this medium to thank this great man. His name is Dr aziegbe, i came in contact with his email through a friend in UK and ever since then my live has been full with laughter and great peace of mind. i urge you all with herpes or HSV to contact him if you willing to give him a chance. you can contact him through this email DRAZIEGBE1SPELLHOME@GMAIL .COM or you can also WhatsApp him +2349035465208
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Just wanna say a big thank you Neme Amber for introducing me to Dr Emmanuel the great HERBALIST that helped me prepare home remedies that cured my herpes (HSV 2).
ReplyDeleteI was infected with HSV 2 for the past two years and i was unable to get a better job cos all the company i was to get employed checked our blood test and found out that i was positive to GENITAL HERPES and i loosed employment.
So i was desperate to get a cure so that i can live normal and get my job training.
i earlier made some research and i contacted some doctors online but they keep on asking for money for courier after that they'll tell you that tax and so more so i became broke and frustrated.
One day i was less busy so i decided to make latest research on herpes cure and i found a site were everyone was talking about DR Emmanuel and herbs ability to cure herpes.
So i discussed with Neme Amber and she explained to me that its very easy working with Dr Emmanuel so i contacted DR Emmanuel via email ( nativehealthclinic@gmail.com ) and he helped me just as he has helped others now im cured and different medical centers has tested me and approved me cured.
so i decided to thank Neme Amber cos she made it possible for me.
and i can also assure you that he can also help you. so if you need the service of DR emmanuel, ill put his details here so that you can easily get in touch wif him.
his email: nativehealthclinic@gmail.com or WhatsApp him at +2348140073965. instagram ig:@dremmanuel2
my Name is Grace from US,once again thanks to Neme Amber. im fucking hapy....
I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored my ex husband is back after he left me and our 2kids for another woman. i was so happy to met Dr. OKu how he help many people to bring there Lover back so i contact him to help me too. that was how Dr. Oku help me to bring my husband back.. A big thank to you Dr. Oku because I never thought my ex Husband will be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and world greatest. if you are here and you need your Ex Lover back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact:
ReplyDeleteEmail him at: okutemple@gmail.com You can also Call/WhatsApp:+2347053113465
I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored my ex husband is back after he left me and our 2kids for another woman. i was so happy to met Dr. OKu how he help many people to bring there Lover back so i contact him to help me too. that was how Dr. Oku help me to bring my husband back.. A big thank to you Dr. Oku because I never thought my ex Husband will be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and world greatest. if you are here and you need your Ex Lover back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact:
ReplyDeleteEmail him at: okutemple@gmail.com You can also Call/WhatsApp:+2347053113465
I am here to give my testimony about Dr KUTA who helped me.. i want to inform the public how i was cured from (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) by salami, i visited different hospital but they gave me list of drugs like Famvir, Zovirax, and Valtrex which is very expensive to treat the symptoms and never cured me. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedy on HERPES and i saw comment of people talking about how DrKUTA cured them. when i contacted him he gave me hope and send a Herbal medicine to me that i took for just 2 weeks and it seriously worked for me, my HERPES result came out negative. I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that there is no cure for herpes that is Not true just contact him and get cure from Dr kuta healing herbal cure of all kinds of sickness you may have like(1) CANCER,(2) DIABETES,(3) HIV&AIDS,(4) URINARY TRACT INFECTION,(5) CANCER,(6) IMPOTENCE,(7) BARENESS/INFERTILITY(8) DIARRHEA(9) ASTHMA(10)SIMPLEX HERPES AND GENITAL(11)COLD SORE(12)GET YOU EX BACK (13) penins enlargementHERPES. he also cure my friend from cervical cancer Email: drkutaherbalcenter@gmail.com or whatsapp him on +2347054547814
ReplyDeleteI have been suffering from Herpes for the past 3 years and 8 months, and ever since then i have been taking series of treatment but there was no improvement until i came across testimonies of Dr WISKID ORORO on how he has been curing different people from different diseases all over the world, then i contacted him as well. After our conversation he sent me the medicine which i took according to his instructions. When i was done taking the herbal medicine i went for a medical checkup and to my greatest surprise i was cured from Herpes. My heart is so filled with joy. If you are suffering from Herpes or any other disease you can contact Dr WISKID ORORO today on his WhatsApp him on +2348078467513 or Email: drwiskid.spellcaster@yahoo.com Dr. WISKID ORORO also cures: 1. HIV / AIDS 2. HERPES 1/2 3. CANCER 4. ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) 5. Hepatitis B 6. chronic pancreatic 7. emphysema 8. COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease website: www.herbalhome247.wixsite.com/mysite
ReplyDeleteI decided to share my testimony with you guys about a spell caster called DR ALUYA , I have been humiliated many times in relationships due to the fact of not being able to satisfy my girlfriend because I had a very small penis. i had so many relationship called off because of my situation, i have used so many product which i found online to enlarge it but none could offer me the kind of help i searched for. I was going through some comments on Facebook when I saw a testimony about this specialist called DR ALUYA and how he helped solve the testifies relationship issues regarding to their sex life, so i decided to seek his help too following the email I saw. so I decided to give his herbal product a try. i emailed him and he got back to me, and I told him my story, DR ALUYA sent me some herbal pills for Penis Enlargement after doing what he ask me, Within 3 week of it, i began to feel the enlargement of my penis, and now it just 4 weeks of using his products my penis is about 9 inches longer, a very big thanks to him, I believe their so many people going through the same thing which I went through that why I decided to tell the world how I got help from this great man, ladies i think He can help you enlarge your breast too PENIS ENLARGEMENT
ReplyDeleteERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
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I have been suffering from (HERPES) disease for the last four years and had constant pain, especially in my knees. During the first year, I had faith in God that I would be healed someday.This disease started to circulate all over my body and I have been taking treatment from my doctor, a few weeks ago I came on search on the internet if I could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search I saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and Cancer) by this Man Dr. Silver and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so I wrote to Dr. Silver telling him about my (HERPES Virus) he told me not to worry that I was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later I started experiencing changes all over me as the Dr. assured me that I have cured, after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if I have been finally healed behold it was TRUE, So friends my advice is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can email Dr. Silver (drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com) sir I am indeed grateful for the help I will forever recommend you to my friends!!! with your lovely Email Address ( drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteHello friends, am here to say an awesome and amazing testimony about a Great spell caster that helped me. My name is Vivian Anderson. Getting my Lover back is what i least expected and could never imagine. I and my Lover have been married for five years and we have been living happily but all of a sudden he changed completely and turned away from me and i never knew what was going on, i tried to ask him but he refused to tell me what the problem is, and as time went on he sought for a divorce. I was so worried and confused, and i did all my possible best to get him back but it wasn't easy, i thought all hope was lost, and during my search for a way out, a friend of mine who had similar problem told me about a great spell caster called Dr ODIDI who helped her get back her Friend also. I never believe in spell casting in my entire life or a magic because i never thought it will work but i tried to give this man a chance and to my greatest surprise, He cast a spell to bring back my Lover, but today we are back together into a lovely home with three beautiful kids.Thank you Dr ODIDI. We are happy together again and i am using this opportunity to tell anyone passing similar situation Or if you need Cure to contact him on E-mail::: odidispelltemple@gmail.com Or you can check hes website www.odidispelltemple.blogspot.com you can also check Google www.odidispelltemple.com
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ReplyDeleteI’m a US resident who contracted genital herpes from my ex-boyfriend, who showed no symptoms. Living with the condition for four years significantly impacted my life until I found a cure. I want to raise awareness that herpes is more than just a minor skin irritation; it has long-term health effects. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding this virus is perpetuated by misinformation. In reality, many people have herpes in some form, often unknowingly. Personally, I found relief through Dr. Oosa medicine. Inspired by a testimonial from an Irish woman who cured her herpes with his help, I contacted Dr. Oosa. He assured me of a cure and provided his herbal medicine via DHL. Following his instructions, I took the medicine twice daily for six days. After completing the treatment, I was herpes-free, confirmed by my doctor. If you’re struggling with herpes or similar conditions and seeking a cure, consider contacting Dr. Oosa for guidance. Kindly contact doctor oosa via email: doctoroosaherbalhome@gmail.com whatsapp +2349066208065