My Best-Laid Plans

10:06 AM

My entire life, I have always been a planner. In college, I'd have brief anxiety attacks if I couldn't find my day planner. I wrote out everything I needed to do, to the hour. I'd lose my mind if my friends couldn't tell me the exact time we were hanging out that night or where we were going. Even now, I color-code my Google Calendar in addition to my paper planner.

When I found out I had endometriosis, that changed.

It's difficult to plan around a chronic, painful illness when you're not sure how you will feel from one day to the next. Or one hour to the next. Or minute... you get the idea.

When your body starts to dictate the way you eat, move, work, dress and everything in between, it rules your entire life. Whether you like it or not.

In a lot of ways, I've become the person that used to drive me up a wall. I cancel plans last-minute. I bail on obligations, even though, in my heart, I desperately want to do what I signed up to do. Because of that, I fear making long-term, involved commitments that I may need to roll back later. And I hate to let people down.

With the surgery I had last November, my pain level has been more manageable as of late, leading me to sign up for everything.

You want me to mentor young women? Great. That's totally outside my comfort zone, but I'm all about that right now. Or hey, Tracy, do you want to talk to people about your experience with domestic violence? Yes. I will do that right now. Or maybe you'd like to give a talk about endometriosis? Absolutely. Let me at it.

I will be the everything to everyone! Everyone!

I used to do this frequently, before I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I call myself a "chronic volunteer." If there is an opportunity out there to help, then I definitely believe they're asking me - and just me - to be the one to do it.

Taking advantage of my wellness isn't necessarily a bad thing. But even as I attend volunteer orientations or meticulously plan out a PowerPoint presentation, I worry if I'll be able to show up on the day that I'm supposed to do something.

I should sign on every dotted line with an asterisk, from now on. "*Yes, I will do this, but if my uterus hurts, I'm staying home, sry."

In some ways, endometriosis has been a good thing for my need to plan. I've become more spontaneous and more open to doing "whatever" when I feel well. It's given me less time to mull over my disease or pain or other symptoms.

But it's also made me pretty tired. And, frankly, it's been kind of expensive.

Endometriosis is a progressive disease, meaning that I can expect to feel worse as time goes on. And it's kind of hard to explain, but it's forced me to confront my own mortality, even though it's not a terminal illness. Maybe a better word is that it's forced me to confront my "able-bodiedness." (It's a word now, if it wasn't before.)

My husband, Andrew and I planned out a vacation this summer. Since we're avid concert goers, we try to do a vacation one summer and then a music festival the next.

After we booked that vacation, I found out my favorite band of all-time, U2 (don't hate) is going on tour.

Now, I like to think of myself as a fiscally responsible person, to the point of nearly being financially neurotic. I've gotten better about it over time, but I used to refuse to spend money on myself. So when I saw that U2 - a band that's "getting up there" in age - would be touring, I jumped on the tickets, even though I immediately grumbled about how "irresponsible" I was being because we just planned a vacation.

But I'm not promised a healthy body next year or even next month. When I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 24, I immediately developed a feeling that I was running out of time. There will likely come a day when I can't hike through a national park or dance for three hours at a concert. And it will likely be sooner for me than it will be for most people.

Already, I have difficulty walking some days. The sciatic nerve that goes from my left hip through my left knee is the source of much of my pain, and when that flares up, even moving around my home can be difficult.

At the grocery store with my husband this week, I hunched over a shopping cart like my 100-year-old grandfather does over his walker. (He really is 100.) I dragged my leg behind me and periodically made pained expressions while shooing Andrew away when he offered to take the cart.

When my song comes on in the club

Andrew and I want to travel and share experiences while I'm healthy and while my episodes of limited mobility are infrequent. We want to do things now before I find out I have yet another autoimmune disease or need another invasive treatment or surgery.

But in addition to that, my health has interfered with every other major life plan that one could have.

Do I want to go to grad school some day?
What do I want my career to look like?
Can I ever travel internationally?
Should I take up this two-year commitment?
Am I physically able to ever be a parent?

That's when it gets even harder to plan. When my goals cost serious cash or dramatically impact another person, I have to pump the brakes and think hard about it. Yes, I can't let everything take a backseat to endometriosis, and I absolutely don't. But there has to be a point in which I'm honest with my limitations.

This may seem like a downer of a blog post, but I assure you that it isn't for me. If anything, it's made me more appreciative of my good days. It's what pushes me to exercise, leave my house and try new things when I feel well enough.

When you feel like your days are limited in a way, you start to live a little more.

Because of endometriosis, it will probably be a little bit of time before Andrew and I stop renting and buy a house. I will probably never be a parent (my likely infertility and discomfort around children aside.) I may not be able to fit in all of the things you're "supposed" to do before you turn 40. And my planner may be filled with more "suggestions" than obligations, now...

But, at least right now, I don't feel like I'm living a limited life. As much as I wish I could plan like the next person, I know that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. There's a tendency to feel invincible in your 20s that I've never truly felt, and in a way, I'm thankful that I learned it earlier rather than later.

So until endometriosis does take away my ability to do the things I love, I won't let it. And when I have to rip up my best-laid plans, I will try my hardest to limit my anguish, self-blame and disappointment. Because I know that I'm doing everything I physically can at the moment, while learning to take care of this sore and fickle body.

So yeah. Remind me I said all of this next time I have to text someone "Sorry, I can't make it."

Unknown

43 comments

Sophie LewisDecember 10, 2017 at 4:12 PM
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John GraceFebruary 4, 2020 at 12:51 AM
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I was infected with HSV 2 for the past two years and i was unable to get a better job cos all the company i was to get employed checked our blood test and found out that i was positive to GENITAL HERPES and i loosed employment.
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my Name is Grace from US,once again thanks to Neme Amber. im fucking hapy....
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jack markFebruary 28, 2020 at 6:43 PM
hello everyone here i am Jack Mark a medical doctor from United Kingdom , i want to share a great testimony of how Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream saves me from shame and disgrace, my penis size was a big problem to me as the size was really so embarrassing and discouraging, a 39 year old full grown man like me having 4 inches penis and to worsen it i don't last in sex i cant even last two minutes it was really a thing of shame my wife was really tired of me because my sex life was very poor , she never enjoyed sex, i was always thinking and searching for solutions everywhere until last two months when i saw a testimony of how Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream have been helping people from the globe,i saw one MR KENNETH BERTNEY testifying of how Dr AKIOYA helped him enlarge his penis size so i decided to give him a try ,i visited his website link https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/ we talked and he gave me steps to follow which i did and to my greatest surprise in less than two weeks of taking the herbal mixture cream my penis grow to 8 inches i couldn't believe my eyes and as i speak now my penis is now 10.5 inches long and i was amazed when my wife said i satisfy her so well now all thanks to Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream,i will forever be grateful To him i also learnt that Dr AKIOYA also have the herbal cure to problems like

PENIS ENLARGEMENT
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
DIABETES type 1 and type 2
HERPES GENITAL WART
LOW SPERM COUNT
WEAK ERECTION
BREAST ENLARGEMENT
PROSTRATE CANCER
HIV/AIDS
SPELL OF ALL KINDS LIKE EX BACK,CANCEL DIVORCE,BREAK UP SPELL ,PREGNANCY SPELL,PROMOTION SPELL,JOB SPELL
ALS
HPV 123
PILE
ASTHMA
HEART FAILURE
PREMATURE EJACULATION
HEPATITIS A,B,C AND MANY MORE
so if you you are suffering from any of this problems please do not hesitate to contact him now email drakioya17spellhome@gmail.com website http://drakioyaherbalcenter.home.blog
https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/ you can call him or Whatsapp Dr AKIOYA via whatsapp +2348105257464 thanks
ReplyDelete
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UnknownMarch 18, 2020 at 9:40 AM
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UnknownMarch 18, 2020 at 9:40 AM
I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored my ex husband is back after he left me and our 2kids for another woman. i was so happy to met Dr. OKu how he help many people to bring there Lover back so i contact him to help me too. that was how Dr. Oku help me to bring my husband back.. A big thank to you Dr. Oku because I never thought my ex Husband will be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and world greatest. if you are here and you need your Ex Lover back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact:
Email him at: okutemple@gmail.com You can also Call/WhatsApp:+2347053113465
ReplyDelete
Replies
jack markMarch 20, 2020 at 1:41 AM
hello everyone here i am Jack Mark a medical doctor from United Kingdom , i want to share a great testimony of how Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream saves me from shame and disgrace, my penis size was a big problem to me as the size was really so embarrassing and discouraging, a 39 year old full grown man like me having 4 inches penis and to worsen it i don't last in sex i cant even last two minutes it was really a thing of shame my wife was really tired of me because my sex life was very poor , she never enjoyed sex, i was always thinking and searching for solutions everywhere until last two months when i saw a testimony of how Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream have been helping people from the globe,i saw one MR KENNETH BERTNEY testifying of how Dr AKIOYA helped him enlarge his penis size so i decided to give him a try ,i visited his website link https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/ we talked and he gave me steps to follow which i did and to my greatest surprise in less than two weeks of taking the herbal mixture cream my penis grow to 8 inches i couldn't believe my eyes and as i speak now my penis is now 10.5 inches long and i was amazed when my wife said i satisfy her so well now all thanks to Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream,i will forever be grateful To him i also learnt that Dr AKIOYA also have the herbal cure to problems like

PENIS ENLARGEMENT
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
DIABETES type 1 and type 2
HERPES GENITAL WART
LOW SPERM COUNT
WEAK ERECTION
BREAST ENLARGEMENT
PROSTRATE CANCER
HIV/AIDS
SPELL OF ALL KINDS LIKE EX BACK,CANCEL DIVORCE,BREAK UP SPELL ,PREGNANCY SPELL,PROMOTION SPELL,JOB SPELL
ALS
HPV 123
PILE
ASTHMA
HEART FAILURE
PREMATURE EJACULATION
HEPATITIS A,B,C AND MANY MORE
so if you you are suffering from any of this problems please do not hesitate to contact him now email drakioya17spellhome@gmail.com website http://drakioyaherbalcenter.home.blog
https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/ you can call him or Whatsapp Dr AKIOYA via whatsapp +2348105257464 thanks
hello everyone here i am Jack Mark a medical doctor from United Kingdom , i want to share a great testimony of how Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream saves me from shame and disgrace, my penis size was a big problem to me as the size was really so embarrassing and discouraging, a 39 year old full grown man like me having 4 inches penis and to worsen it i don't last in sex i cant even last two minutes it was really a thing of shame my wife was really tired of me because my sex life was very poor , she never enjoyed sex, i was always thinking and searching for solutions everywhere until last two months when i saw a testimony of how Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream have been helping people from the globe,i saw one MR KENNETH BERTNEY testifying of how Dr AKIOYA helped him enlarge his penis size so i decided to give him a try ,i visited his website link https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/ we talked and he gave me steps to follow which i did and to my greatest surprise in less than two weeks of taking the herbal mixture cream my penis grow to 8 inches i couldn't believe my eyes and as i speak now my penis is now 10.5 inches long and i was amazed when my wife said i satisfy her so well now all thanks to Dr AKIOYA herbal mixture cream,i will forever be grateful To him i also learnt that Dr AKIOYA also have the herbal cure to problems like

PENIS ENLARGEMENT
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
DIABETES type 1 and type 2
HERPES GENITAL WART
LOW SPERM COUNT
WEAK ERECTION
BREAST ENLARGEMENT
PROSTRATE CANCER
HIV/AIDS
SPELL OF ALL KINDS LIKE EX BACK,CANCEL DIVORCE,BREAK UP SPELL ,PREGNANCY SPELL,PROMOTION SPELL,JOB SPELL
ALS
HPV 123
PILE
ASTHMA
HEART FAILURE
PREMATURE EJACULATION
HEPATITIS A,B,C AND MANY MORE
so if you you are suffering from any of this problems please do not hesitate to contact him now email drakioya17spellhome@gmail.com website http://drakioyaherbalcenter.home.blog
https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/ you can call him or Whatsapp Dr AKIOYA via whatsapp +2348105257464 thanks
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diamond AsareApril 1, 2020 at 12:28 PM
I am here to give my testimony about Dr KUTA who helped me.. i want to inform the public how i was cured from (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) by salami, i visited different hospital but they gave me list of drugs like Famvir, Zovirax, and Valtrex which is very expensive to treat the symptoms and never cured me. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedy on HERPES and i saw comment of people talking about how DrKUTA cured them. when i contacted him he gave me hope and send a Herbal medicine to me that i took for just 2 weeks and it seriously worked for me, my HERPES result came out negative. I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that there is no cure for herpes that is Not true just contact him and get cure from Dr kuta healing herbal cure of all kinds of sickness you may have like(1) CANCER,(2) DIABETES,(3) HIV&AIDS,(4) URINARY TRACT INFECTION,(5) CANCER,(6) IMPOTENCE,(7) BARENESS/INFERTILITY(8) DIARRHEA(9) ASTHMA(10)SIMPLEX HERPES AND GENITAL(11)COLD SORE(12)GET YOU EX BACK (13) penins enlargementHERPES. he also cure my friend from cervical cancer Email: drkutaherbalcenter@gmail.com or whatsapp him on +2347054547814
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Dr Sebi JrApril 15, 2020 at 10:57 PM
I got married 2 years ago and it just seemed that there was no excitement in my sex life. My dysfunction to perform to the best of my abilities in bed made it harder for my wife and me to have a good time during sex. And i was having the feelings that she may decide to get a divorce one day. I knew something had to be done in order to improve my sex life and to save my marriage because my marriage was already falling apart, so when i was on my Facebook page i came across a story of how Dr Aziba helped him enlarged his penis to 7ins better.so i Immediately copied the Email address of the Dr and explained to him my problem,he gave me some simply instruction which i must follow and i did easily and my friends Today, i am the happiest man on Earth, All Thanks to Dr Aziba for saving my marriage and making me a real man today.You can as well reach the Dr below for help on your problem, for he has the solution to all...
Email: PRIESTAZIBASOLUTIONCENTER@GMAIL.COM
Website: https://naturalherbsmedicine.webs.com/
WhatsApp :+2348100368288.
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jack markMay 24, 2020 at 10:58 PM
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Get Penis Enlargement Product Info BelowJune 3, 2020 at 6:48 AM
I thought the physicians said there is no pills or another way for PENIS ENLARGEMENT !!! I am telling you today that Dr Aziba has the product for PENIS ENLARGEMENT and it worked perfectly for me from 3:0 to 8:95 and still counting. Contact Dr Aziba for help to Enlarge your penis via Email him via: Priestazibasolutioncenter@gmail.com and WhatsApp Him on +2348100368288 website https://naturalherbsmedicine.webs.com/
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katty darlingAugust 23, 2020 at 5:22 PM
I have been suffering from Herpes for the past 3 years and 8 months, and ever since then i have been taking series of treatment but there was no improvement until i came across testimonies of Dr WISKID ORORO on how he has been curing different people from different diseases all over the world, then i contacted him as well. After our conversation he sent me the medicine which i took according to his instructions. When i was done taking the herbal medicine i went for a medical checkup and to my greatest surprise i was cured from Herpes. My heart is so filled with joy. If you are suffering from Herpes or any other disease you can contact Dr WISKID ORORO today on his WhatsApp him on +2348078467513 or Email: drwiskid.spellcaster@yahoo.com Dr. WISKID ORORO also cures: 1. HIV / AIDS 2. HERPES 1/2 3. CANCER 4. ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) 5. Hepatitis B 6. chronic pancreatic 7. emphysema 8. COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease website: www.herbalhome247.wixsite.com/mysite
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UnknownAugust 27, 2020 at 4:52 PM
I decided to share my testimony with you guys about a spell caster called DR ALUYA , I have been humiliated many times in relationships due to the fact of not being able to satisfy my girlfriend because I had a very small penis. i had so many relationship called off because of my situation, i have used so many product which i found online to enlarge it but none could offer me the kind of help i searched for. I was going through some comments on Facebook when I saw a testimony about this specialist called DR ALUYA and how he helped solve the testifies relationship issues regarding to their sex life, so i decided to seek his help too following the email I saw. so I decided to give his herbal product a try. i emailed him and he got back to me, and I told him my story, DR ALUYA sent me some herbal pills for Penis Enlargement after doing what he ask me, Within 3 week of it, i began to feel the enlargement of my penis, and now it just 4 weeks of using his products my penis is about 9 inches longer, a very big thanks to him, I believe their so many people going through the same thing which I went through that why I decided to tell the world how I got help from this great man, ladies i think He can help you enlarge your breast too PENIS ENLARGEMENT
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ben markSeptember 1, 2020 at 7:22 PM
Hello everyone i Am Ben Mark and i am from USA i am here to give my
testimony about an herbal doctor called Dr,Akioya I was heartbroken because
i had very small penis,not nice to satisfy a woman, i have been in so many
relationship, but cut off because of my situation, i have used so many
product which doctors prescribe for me, but could not offer me the help i
searched for. i saw some few comments on the internet about this specialist
called Dr,Akioya and decided to email him on his email i saw on the
internet,(drakioya17spellhome@gmail.com ) so I decided to give his herbal
product a try. i emailed him and he got back to me, he gave me some
comforting words with his herbal product for Penis Enlargement, Within
three weeks of me use it, i began to feel the enlargement, " and now it
just 4 weeks of using his products my penis is about 8 inches longer, and i
had to settle thing out with my ex girlfriend , i was surprised when she
said that she is satisfied with my performance in bed and i now have a
large penis.thanks to DR Akioya for is herbal product. you can also reach
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UnknownSeptember 23, 2020 at 3:40 AM
I have been suffering from (HERPES) disease for the last four years and had constant pain, especially in my knees. During the first year, I had faith in God that I would be healed someday.This disease started to circulate all over my body and I have been taking treatment from my doctor, a few weeks ago I came on search on the internet if I could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search I saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and Cancer) by this Man Dr. Silver and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so I wrote to Dr. Silver telling him about my (HERPES Virus) he told me not to worry that I was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later I started experiencing changes all over me as the Dr. assured me that I have cured, after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if I have been finally healed behold it was TRUE, So friends my advice is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can email Dr. Silver (drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com) sir I am indeed grateful for the help I will forever recommend you to my friends!!! with your lovely Email Address ( drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com
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Anita LawsonOctober 15, 2020 at 6:04 PM
It’s obvious some patients with herpes are being enslaved to the antiviral and other supplementary Orthodox medicine just to help suppress the virus and not a cure. I have been with the virus since 2015 until I was introduced by a blogger who also narrated her story online on how she was cured of Genital Herpes after using Dr Sikies Herbal Medicine. This is a year and 2 weeks since I was delivered from genital Herpes. All thanks to God for using this Great herbalist to heal me. I have promised to keep telling good things about Dr Sikies. Please feel free to share Your problems with him and don’t forget to tell him I did refer you to Him. Thanks. Write him on mail Drsikies@gmail.com He deals with Alzheimer virus, Cancer, HIV, Herpes, Genital, warts, ALS, BV, UTI, Virginal infection, Genital, Wart, HPV, Hepatitis A/B, Good luck, HSV, Pregnancy, Ex back.

here is his website: https://drsikiesherbalcure.weebly.com

you can reach me via mail: anitalawson515@gmail.com
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Tatian InezOctober 23, 2020 at 2:35 PM
Hello friends, am here to say an awesome and amazing testimony about a Great spell caster that helped me. My name is Vivian Anderson. Getting my Lover back is what i least expected and could never imagine. I and my Lover have been married for five years and we have been living happily but all of a sudden he changed completely and turned away from me and i never knew what was going on, i tried to ask him but he refused to tell me what the problem is, and as time went on he sought for a divorce. I was so worried and confused, and i did all my possible best to get him back but it wasn't easy, i thought all hope was lost, and during my search for a way out, a friend of mine who had similar problem told me about a great spell caster called Dr ODIDI who helped her get back her Friend also. I never believe in spell casting in my entire life or a magic because i never thought it will work but i tried to give this man a chance and to my greatest surprise, He cast a spell to bring back my Lover, but today we are back together into a lovely home with three beautiful kids.Thank you Dr ODIDI. We are happy together again and i am using this opportunity to tell anyone passing similar situation Or if you need Cure to contact him on E-mail::: odidispelltemple@gmail.com Or you can check hes website www.odidispelltemple.blogspot.com you can also check Google www.odidispelltemple.com
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