Built on Hope

12:03 PM

I'm certain Bowie left this shirt for me after he passed...

(Fair warning: This will be an exceptionally nerdy blog post because I really. really love Star Wars.)

So Saturday was the two-year anniversary of me being diagnosed with endometriosis - my endo-versary, if you will. But my mind wasn't really on it or even on what it should have been, which was the fact I'd be seeing Rogue One in mere hours.

Instead, feelings of sheer hopelessness and inadequacy decided to pile up that day.

My husband, Andrew and I drove that afternoon to a local humane society, hoping to adopt a sister or brother for our dog, Juno. I have a bleeding heart for animals and will literally take any homeless animal that crosses my path, Andrew, on the other hand, is much more rational, assessing whether the dog will thrive despite our lack of fenced-in yard, whether he or she will get too big for our rental home, etc.

So of course, this episode led to me falling in love with a yellow lab, only to have Andrew gently (and, admittedly, correctly) tell me she wasn't a good fit for our home. In fact, none of the dogs at the shelter that day were a good fit for Juno or our small house.

I guess my heart couldn't take another "no" because when we got to the car, I silently held back tears and drove us home. Once in our living room, I curled up on the couch with Juno and cried to Andrew, trying to explain my overflowing emotions that may or may not be directly related to my IUD - WHO KNOWS IT'S A MYSTERY.

Ever since my surgery, my life has felt like a long series of "no"s or "not good enough." My best efforts to support my health, benefit myself or even contribute to my community felt like a drop in the bucket. Like I was throwing effort, energy, time and money to the wind, only to have it come back that I wasn't making a difference. 

Whether it was a lonely dog I wanted to give a home for Christmas, or money donated to a cause I care about, or a new treatment that I expected to alleviate my endometriosis pain, my best intentions were continually met with "no."

And I consider myself fairly patient, but when I can't make any headway at all, I tend to take it personally.

I managed to get my tears together in time to grab dinner with our friend who came with us to Rogue One. If one thing can briefly take my mind off my frustration, it's Star Wars. I've been pretty much obsessed with these movies since I was six years old, so as someone who has waited 20 years to see women as THE Star Wars hero, this is a great time in my life.

Girl pwrrrrr

So let me start this section off by saying it is REALLYYYY difficult for me not to completely lose my shit over how good Rogue One was and ruin it for you, but I will try my damned hardest.

Without giving away the movie's glorious plot, I will summarize it as this. The main characters give so much to a cause and have no idea how much their actions will impact the grand scheme of everything that happens in Episodes IV-VI. They run at it headfirst because they believe in the cause, but there's honestly no expectation that they will succeed or that it will make difference. But they do it anyway because they care and hope so. much.

And when that realization hit me in the last 15-ish minutes of the film, I literally started sobbing. Hard. In the middle of the movie theater. While my husband laughed and held my hand.

I continued to cry through the end of the movie and intermittently until we got to the car.

Proof.
My epiphanies tend to happen at unlikely moments and right when I need them. At that time, Rogue One was exactly what I needed to hear.

I understood the sensation of foolhardy hope and the overwhelming, consuming need to do something, to not just sit there idly and let things happen. It's why I made this blog to  begin with. It's why I spend an entire day carting my husband around to gather things for a cause I need to help RIGHT NOW, NO NOT LATER, NOW.

And while I feel that talking about my uterus, arguing with my doctors and begging strangers to take control of their health aren't even blips on the radar of history, they are.

I may not live to see a cure for my disease, but I hope and believe there's one out there. I at least know there are better treatments out there.

I may not live to see the causes I'm devoted to resolve themselves or end happily. But my effort does amount to something.

One of my favorite lines from the film, which will not spoil Rogue One for you, is "Do you think anyone is listening?" I love that because it's something I say to myself so frequently, especially after I launch off an embarrassingly emotional blog post or leave a crabby voicemail at my doctor's office. Or in other words, "I've done my part. Now, what will people do with it?"

No matter how much it hurts or exhausts me, I'll continue doing my part for endometriosis advocacy. And I'll push myself to do more. Because I know I couldn't live with myself if I did nothing.

If you're feeling like me about something in your life, I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing and never let the fear of ineffectiveness wear you out. As pessimistic as I've been about the world over the past few months (or year?), I do sincerely believe things come together the way they should when good people work hard toward an end. 

I believe in a better future for our world. And we're the force to see it through.

xoxoxo

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24 comments

  1. I'm listening! Thanks for having this space. It makes me feel a lot less alone.

    Happy Holidays to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My husband left me with 3 Children and went to stay with his Mistress whom i felt use a spell on him, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down. But all thanks goes to Baba Alika, who i met online on one faithful day, as I was searching for tips to get my husband back home, I came across several testimonies about this particular man. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he help them to get pregnant,cure herpes simplex virus,and other sickness, and some testified that he prayed to stop divorce. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Angeline, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email (babaalikahealinghome@gmail.com) After reading all these testimonies, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him and explained my problem to him. In just 48 hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever. Baba Alika you are a gifted man and thank you for everything you had done in my life. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on email: babaalikahealinghome@gmail.com. he will surely help you solve your problem.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear dr williams, your herb has saved my life and my sanity. I was scared, and had been seeing numerous specialists and almost all of the straight away told me I had to remove my uterus because of my large fibroid. Can you believe this? To top it all up, none of those doctors had answered my simple questions on the subject. I was so scared that I would not be able to have a baby as surgery seemed like the only choice then. Your product had dramatically allayed my fears. I have read many other guides on the subject of fibroids and i think dr williams herb is yours offers and the only true and lasting solution to fibroid. I am a walking living proof of that claim. It has been 3 months since I implemented dr williams herbal portion, and I am now completely clear of fibroids and I am sure I am on my way to become a mother. I also feel very healthy and vibrant. Thank god for your work and support dr williams, for more information about his herb you can also contact his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERB MY WIFE WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID.
    Is my pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far.one of the happiest moment in life is when you see your own wife put to bed.this awesome moments makes you a man, I really don't know how to thank DR WILLIAMS for helping my wife get cured for over how many year of suffering from FIBROID. i came across DR Williams contact through a headline news on internet about how DR Williams help a woman to get cured of his fibroid and so many other with PCOS and similar body problem ,i contacted him and he told me how to get his herb,few day later he sent me the herbal portion which my wife take every morning for 21 days, and his medicine was able to shrike the fibroid naturally,and now my wife is pregnant for our second child, and now she very mush okay without any side effects whatsoever, If you have fibroid, you can contact him on his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  5. VERY BIG THANKS TO DR ORIANE WITH HIS HERBS MY WIFE WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM HER ILLMENT ENDOMETRIOSIS.

    Is my greatest pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far.one of the happiest moment in life is when you see your own wife put to birth.this awesome moments makes you a man, she have been suffering from this illment for the pass 3 year ,I really don't know how to thank DR ORIANE for curing my wife ENDOMETRIOSIS . i came across DR ORIANE contact through a headline news on internet about how he help a woman to get cured of her edometriosisi and so many other with similar body problem ,i contacted him and he told me how to get his herb, and the procedure to follow, few day later he sent me the herbal portion which my wife take every morning for 21 days, and his medicine was able to shrike the endometriosis naturally,and now my wife is 4months old pregnant for our second child, and now she very okay without any side effects whatsoever, If you have similar problem, you can contact him on his trematodes work contact him on email address droriane6@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Looking for the best medicine for fibroid,Dr Williams own is the best, it has the ability to tackle symptoms emanating from an aliment plus even the origin of that aliment? Dr Williams medicine is a miracle cure,and is just the perfect one for you. With Dr Williams you won’t be compelled to any form of hard drug prescription or any drug with horrible side manifestation unlike many most posing natural guide on fibroid which are very much unreal and at the same time demand lot of time. Dr Williams herbal medicine is such that offers practical approach that goes with one life just in accordance to the life we live every day.
    dr williams medicine is really a life changing medication. after one month i started using dr williams medicine my fibroid is completely gone within that one months of beginning the medicine. The medicine helps mitigate a variety of symptoms, from pelvic pain and pressure, to bladder problems,all thanks to dr willams for giving me life again,for more information you can email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for help.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Just wanted to say a huge thank you to Dr Williams for everything he have done in my life. I have been in tears for so many years now, having found a classic 7cm fibroid on my uterus, lesion after some years of being under extreme stress. After reading horror stories on forums I was terrified of telling my fiance, who I’ve been with for 5 years without a child of our own (great timing right?!). I was convinced will both, where thinking will can never have a child of our own without sugary which i was very afraid of, . I spent 24 hours freaking out and finally calmed down after reading some testimony on here about Dr Williams herbal medicine to fibroid. The moment came and I mumbled out to my husband about Dr Williams product (with a few tears) and he was AMAZING – . He was just worried about me been free from the heavy bleeding during my menstrual flow and the pain this fibroid have course me, after taking Dr Williams medicine for just within a period of one month. We went to the doc together who confirmed that i was fibroid free.
    Thank you again for being upfront, truthful and taking this pain away from me for more information about his product you can email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com i hope you can also help other terrified people in a similar situation.

    ReplyDelete
  8. As a sign of gratitude for how my wife was saved from fibroid, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My wife suffered from fibroid for more than 20 year of marriage after our first son and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because she was my all and the symptoms were terrible, she had irregular and painful menstrual flow and the size of it was 5cm, and she always complain of stomach pain. we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure her. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and she left the contact of the doctor who had the natural cure to fibroid. I never imagined fibroid has a natural cure if not surgery not until i contacted him and he assured me my wife will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my wife used it as instructed by Dr Williams, and in one months time we went to the hospital for scan and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of fibroid and now she is fully okay, even up till this moment she is so full of life. fibroid has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get his medication.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am Shelley from Los Angeles,California, I want to testify on how i got cured from fibroid, I have suffered from fibroid since the year 2011 with so mush pain,that i have to spend so mush money getting pain relief in the hospital, and I have visited several doctor ,but all to no avail, my world was gradually coming to an end because of the pain during my menstrual period until i saw a post in a health forum about a herbal Dr Williams who use herbal portion in curing people from different kind of diseases including fibroid, at first i doubted if it we be able to shrink the 9cm large fibroid in my womb, but i decided to give it a try, when i contacted this herbal doctor via his email, he prepared a herbal portion and sent it to me via courier service, when i received this herbal medicine, he gave me step by step instructions on how to apply it, when i applied it as instructed, i was completely free from fibroid just for 1 months of usage,i we recommend this to all my friend family in the world today who still suffering from fibroid you can contact him through his email on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for help.

    ReplyDelete
  10. He heals and solve most of the problems & sickness which are failed to be healed by other doctors/healers. He solve bad luck, pregnancy problems, lost lover, sexual weakness, early ejaculation, witch-crafts, broken marriage, poverty, debts trouble, divorce, court cases, domestic problems, gambling losses, Lost jobs, promotions at work, Do you need penis enlargement? Do you want to be Rich? Do you need many children? Are you tired of jealousy people, Evil dreams, all long illnesses, blood pressure, HIV & aids, skin infections? etc. He use strong herbs & magic spells as well as powerful ancestors. Get healed today by this greatest miracle doctor who has healed many people through his experienced ancestors. Join the rest of the world to cerebrate his miracle healings. he can even read and tell you your problems before you say anything to him. He can connect you to talk to the spirit of a deceased of your family member or friend. he can also tell you your future through reading palm, play card, a mirror/water. He uses many ways of healing just to make sure that he certify his clients all over the world. he is the only traditional healer who does fully corresponds with all religious beliefs. contact him on his email address at babaka.wolf@gmail.com or Facebook at priestly.babaka

    ReplyDelete
  11. All thanks to dr omohan He helped me with a fast cure to fibroid and infertility,and the size of it was .7cm, Then I started taking the medication for only one month, and now am completely cured from it. I was able to make it without any surgery, now I can live like every normal human and I can eat any food of my choice If you need such help, contact him via Email dromohanherbalmedicine@gmail.com or whatsapp +2348164816038 for advice,i hope this also help some one out there.

    ReplyDelete
  12. With Dr Williams herb i was completely free from fibroid.You are an amazing doctor.Matching diagnosises aside, I just want to be your friend. Lol You inspire me on a feminist level. On an intelligence level. you are a good man doing so much for mankind, level.Thank you for being you.For keeping a lot of us off the ledge of diving into sugary. For reminding us that we aren’t a fucking statistic or a status, we are still PEOPLE. With brains and personalities and jobs and lives.I’ve only been diagnosed for so many years now with fibroid, and the roller coaster of emotions is all too real.I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say thank you. From the deepest part of my soul. THANK YOU.You give us all an indescribable level of comfort and absurdness in sharing our diagnoses and, almost a green light to continue to celebrate our lives,for you always been there.For every jerk who throws you hate, there are hundreds of us thanking the universe for you.for more information about Dr Williams product you can email him on drwillliams098675@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. With Dr Williams herb i was completely free from fibroid.You are an amazing doctor.Matching diagnosises aside, I just want to be your friend. Lol You inspire me on a feminist level. On an intelligence level. you are a good man doing so much for mankind, level.Thank you for being you.For keeping a lot of us off the ledge of diving into sugary. For reminding us that we aren’t a fucking statistic or a status, we are still PEOPLE. With brains and personalities and jobs and lives.I’ve only been diagnosed for so many years now with fibroid, and the roller coaster of emotions is all too real.I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say thank you. From the deepest part of my soul. THANK YOU.You give us all an indescribable level of comfort and absurdness in sharing our diagnoses and, almost a green light to continue to celebrate our lives,for you always been there.For every jerk who throws you hate, there are hundreds of us thanking the universe for you.for more information about Dr Williams product you can email him on drwillliams098675@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. I felt so awful when I was diagnosed with fibroid. I felt like my life was ruined since surgery was the only solution. Upon all of my constant research, I stumbled upon Dr Williams blog and articles of his good work that have been published. YOU ARE AMAZING. You have given me hope. This fibroid have cause me so mush pain that my life was deteriorating.Dr Williams You are so courageous and I don’t know if I’ve ever looked up to someone so much. Being famous for writing is my dream and I also have always wanted to make a difference in the world somehow. You are doing both and I think its the deepest thing ever. The world needs people like you to end the fibroid stigma. Never stop being you and thank you for being a voice for us all,you can also email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERB MY WIFE WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID.
    Is my pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far.one of the happiest moment in life is when you see your own wife put to bed.this awesome moments makes you a man, I really don't know how to thank DR WILLIAMS for helping my wife get cured for over how many year of suffering from FIBROID. i came across DR Williams contact through a headline news on internet about how DR Williams help a woman to get cured of her fibroid and so many other with myoma and similar body problem ,i contacted him and he told me how to get his herb,few day later he sent me the herbal portion which my wife take every morning for 21 days, and his medicine was able to shrike the fibroid naturally,and now my wife is pregnant for our second child, and now she very mush okay without any side effects whatsoever, If you have fibroid, you can contact him on his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony.. I was HIV positive for 5years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me, but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about DR Umagbai on how he was able to cure someone from Hiv, and any disease this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any problem that DR Umagbai can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me a healing portion, which he wanted me to take for days, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by DR Umagbai i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HIV Negative, friends you can reach DR Umagbai on any treatment for any Disease, reach him on whatsapp number +2348051122286 he's waiting to help if you have any problems..
    1) want your ex back.
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    EMAIL (dr.umagbaisolutionhome@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete

  17. I GIVE ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID
    I can’t believe this. A great testimony that i must share to all fibroid patient in the world. i never believed that their could be any complete cure for fibroid with out going for surgery ,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites and Facebook page of how Dr Williams prepare herbal cure for different king of disease,and with the help of his herb they where able to shrink there fibroid naturally. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually . Right now i want to tell you all that i just give birth to a baby boy last month,and on thin now i have not had any pain, and i have just went for text last week and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of any fibroid in my system . Glory be to God for leading me to this great Dr Williams I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no herbal cure for fibroid that is Not true ,just contact him and get cure from his email drwilliams098675@gmail.com and you will be free and free forever, Try it and you will not regret it because it truly works. i hope to see your testimony soon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS

    his product is by far the best plan for treating fibroids naturally...the practical step by step instructions and the detailed information regarding the real cause and how to treat uterine fibroids were a real eye opener. I started dr williams medication after intense bleeding and pain which occurred during one of my rehearsals (I am a professional violinist).I was later that week diagnosed with 2 medium sized fibroids which placed an enormous pressure on my bladder. I was advised by 3 different doctors to undergo surgery to remove these fibroids as I was told that there was nothing I could do to shrink or stop their growth. Luckily, I ran into dr williams by accident as I was searching for information on the net regarding my condition. I was so relieved to have found that surgery was not always the answer, that it can be dangerous and that uterine fibroid can return even after surgical intervention. In less than 4 weeks of taking dr williams herbal portion and following his instruction, both of my fibroid had shrunk by 100% and the second ultrasound taken 7 weeks after I began taking dr williams medication, had shown that both of these were completely gone. I also my periods became regular. and now am three months old pregnant, you can contact his email address on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  19. All thanks to dr omohan He helped me with a fast cure to fibroid and infertility,and the size of it was .7cm, Then I started taking the medication for only one month, and am completely cured from it. I was able to make it without any surgery, now I can live like every normal human and I can eat any food of my choice If you need such help, contact him via Email dromohanherbalmedicine@gmail.com or whatsapp +2348164816038 for advice,i hope this also help some one out there.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm 15 years old. I was born with HIV my mother passed away because of the HIV infection And I regret why i never met Dr Itua he could have cured my mum for me because as a single mother it was very hard for my mother I came across Dr itua healing words online about how he cure different disease in different races diseases like HIV/Aids Herpes Copd Diabetes Hepatitis even Cancer I was so excited but frighten at same time because I haven't come across such thing article online then I contacted Dr Itua on Mail drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com I also chat with him on what's app +2348149277967 he tells me how it works then I tell him I want to proceed I paid him so swiftly Colorado post office I receive my herbal medicine within 4/5 working days he gave me guild lines to follow and here am I living healthy again can imagine how god use men to manifest his works am I writing in all articles online to spread the god work of Dr Itua Herbal Medicine Yes can ask me anything about this on my twitter @ericamilli or text 7205992850.He's a Great Man.  

    ReplyDelete
  21. All thanks to Dr Ogudugu just contacted this man after my husband of about 4years left me and to my surprise it took this man just 3days to bring him back to Dr Ogudugu his the best spell caster around to solve any problem for you.
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    Email: GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM
    Call/WhatsApp:+27663492930

    ReplyDelete
  22. "Dear dr williams, your herb has saved my life and my sanity. I was scared, and had been seeing numerous specialists and almost all of the straight away told me I had to remove my uterus because of my large fibroid. Can you believe this? To top it all up, none of those doctors had answered my simple questions on the subject. I was so scared that I would not be able to have a baby as surgery seemed like the only choice then. Your product had dramatically allayed my fears. I have read many other guides on the subject of fibroids and i think dr williams herb is yours offers and the only true and lasting solution to fibroid. I am a walking living proof of that claim. It has been 3 months since I implemented dr williams herbal portion, and I am now completely clear of fibroids and I am sure I am on my way to become a mother. I also feel very healthy and vibrant. Thank god for your work and support dr williams, for more information about his herb you can also contact his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

  23. I have been suffering from Herpes for the past 1 year and 8 months, and ever since then i have been taking series of treatment but there was no improvement until i came across testimonies of Dr.omohan on how he has been curing different people from different diseases all over the world, then i contacted him as well. After our conversation he sent me the medicine which i took according to his instructions. When i was done taking the herbal medicine i went for a medical checkup and to my greatest surprise i was cured from Herpes. My heart is so filled with joy. If you are suffering from Herpes or any other disease you can contact Dr.omohan today on this Email address: dromohanherbalmedicine@gmail.com or WhatsApp him on this Tell.Number +2348164816038. He said he also have a cure too all these diseases.

    Cancer
    Hiv/Aids
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    EBV
    Lupus
    Hepatitis A AND B
    Diabetic.
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    Chicken Pox
    Human Papilloma Virus(HPV)
    Cerebtospinal Meingtitis
    Chagas Disease
    Alzheimers Disease
    Schizophrenia. E.T.C.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I GIVE ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID
    I can’t believe this. A great testimony that i must share to all fibroid patient in the world. i never believed that their could be any complete cure for fibroid with out going for surgery ,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites and Facebook page of how Dr Williams prepare herbal cure for different king of disease,and with the help of his herb they where able to shrink there fibroid naturally. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually . Right now i want to tell you all that i just give birth to a baby boy last month,and on thin now i have not had any pain, and i have just went for text last week and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of any fibroid in my system . Glory be to God for leading me to this great Dr Williams I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no herbal cure for fibroid that is Not true ,just contact him and get cure from his email drwilliams098675@gmail.com and you will be free and free forever, Try it and you will not regret it because it truly works. i hope to see your testimony soon.

    ReplyDelete

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