I'm Not Sad. I'm Depressed.

10:44 PM


When we last spoke, I left a cryptic post on Still Sunflowers' Facebook page, saying that I was taking a brief break to manage some personal things. You're probably wondering what those "personal things" were.

At the time I posted that, my mom was rushed to the hospital. She's been fighting stage-four cancer for the past six years, and I truly thought, right then, that we were losing her. 

My mom is my best friend. I talk to her on the phone literally every single day. She's a part of my life that I couldn't exist without. So I spent all day working up the courage to pack my bag and drive home, collapsing to the floor and sobbing periodically. I was in no frame of mind to manage this. But who ever really is?

To make a long story short, my mom - who always defies the odds - survived. She rebounded, left the hospital a few days after I drove home and is doing well right now. In fact, here we are at church on Mother's Day:


I really don't have the words to explain my gratitude that she is okay right now, nor do I have the words to convey that I'm in complete awe of her and her doctors. So I won't try to. Just... wow. That's really all I can say. I'm rarely speechless, but here I am, so now I'll stop typing.

Prior to this episode, I returned to therapy. I'd lost all motivation to do anything around my home - cook, clean, feed myself, work, exercise... everything. 

Depression isn't a new phenomenon for me. I was initially diagnosed with depression and anxiety in college after a series of tough events - my mom's cancer diagnosis being one of them. I've been on antidepressants on and off for years, and because of these experiences, I consider myself pretty in touch with my emotional needs.

But my past journeys with depression were different than this one. Usually, they were set off by a concrete event and expressed by me lying on the floor/bed/couch/whatever and sobbing. I existed in a mental fog, alienated myself from everyone I loved and just kind of existed. It was always something I could look at and say, "Hm. Maybe I need therapy."

Because of that past, it wasn't weird for my friends and family to ask me "Why are you depressed?" this time around. Even I had no idea why.


Honestly, my life is great. I love my husband, we have a sweet dog-child, we live in a great area, and we have jobs we love. So I felt kind of like an asshole for being depressed, especially when my mom was rushed to the hospital and I shrieked to my husband, "I can't do this!"

So at first, I thought I was just lazy. It took me a long time to overcome post-surgery fatigue, so maybe I just got super comfortable not cleaning my house thoroughly.

But when I literally couldn't bring myself to boil water when I was so hungry that my ribs hurt, I realized something was wrong. I started losing a lot of weight, and people noticed. When I said, "I think I need to go back to therapy," Andrew immediately answered, "I think that's a good idea."


Therapy, so far, has been a lot of untangling. A lot of trying to understand what I'm feeling and why everything is so overwhelming.

For my own personal analysis, I can see a lot of ways endometriosis has contributed to my depression. I'm in my third year of getting treatment for a labeled disease - although I've had it since I was 11 years old - and it's been hard to deal with the countless obstacles. I've tried so many treatments with varying levels of effectiveness, and it's exhausting to "try again."

For example, my November surgery was incredibly helpful and much more helpful than my first surgery in 2014. But of course, there are problems I thought it would fix that it uhh didn't. Like... *ahem* icanthavesexwithoutpain *cough* likeeverseriouslyever *cough*.

I spoke about that with my ob-gyn, and she referred me to a sexuality counselor (apparently the only one in the state, how bout that.) So once again, I gathered up my willpower, generated as much optimism as possible and set up an appointment to see her. And waited. For this to maybe, hopefully work.

Me, the past few months
My therapist must have noticed my anxiety and obvious frustration with my life and uterus. Because after chatting for a bit, she looked me in the eyes and said, "Look. I really think I can help you. And if you're willing to stick with me, I will stick with you. I will not give up."

I wanted to cry. After having been "fired" by physical therapists in the past and cycling through medications that don't work and cost a shit-ton, I was just so, so tired. I was beginning to wonder if doctors were handing me treatments just to make me feel like I was "doing something." Like it wasn't totally helpless, and I could have a loving relationship and life without pain. But could I?

I've accepted I will have a certain level of pain my entire life. But this type of pain was damaging both Andrew and me. It's been breaking my heart, honestly.

I don't want to get too far into it because it'll be a whole 'nother blog post. But I will say I had the very exciting experience of visiting a compound pharmacy for the first time! I felt like I was doing something illegal, even though I had two prescriptions from real doctors... And one of them was vaginal Valium soooo we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, these are two therapies that I'm in the process of working through. So there will be more to come. But I wanted to provide everyone this update since you've all been so supportive and loving through the years I've been writing.

I'm hoping I won't go a long time without posting again. But if I disappear, just know that I'm doing well and getting the care and support I need.

Also, here's a picture of me and my dog:



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6 comments

  1. Dear dr williams, your herb has saved my life and my sanity. I was scared, and had been seeing numerous specialists and almost all of the straight away told me I had to remove my uterus because of my large fibroid. Can you believe this? To top it all up, none of those doctors had answered my simple questions on the subject. I was so scared that I would not be able to have a baby as surgery seemed like the only choice then. Your product had dramatically allayed my fears. I have read many other guides on the subject of fibroids and i think dr williams herb is yours offers and the only true and lasting solution to fibroid. I am a walking living proof of that claim. It has been 3 months since I implemented dr williams herbal portion, and I am now completely clear of fibroids and I am sure I am on my way to become a mother. I also feel very healthy and vibrant. Thank god for your work and support dr williams, for more information about his herb you can also contact his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com

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  2. I am from New York. I was in trouble when doctor told me that I have been diagnosed with Genital Herpes… I though about my Family, I know my Family will face a serious problem when I’m gone, I lost hope and I wept all day, but one day I was surfing the internet I found Dr. ODUMA email. I emailed him and he guided me. I asked him for solutions and he started the remedies for my health. Thank God, now everything is fine, I’m cured by Dr. ODUMA herbal medicine, I’m very thankful to Dr. ODUMA and very happy with my hubby and family. email him on odumaspelltemple0@gmail.com or whatsapp Tel- +2347055176615 DOCTOR IDAHOSA CAN AS WELL CURE THE FOLLOWING DISEASE:- 1. HIV/AIDS 2. HERPES 3. CANCER 4. ALS 5. Arthritis 6. Shingles

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  4. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony.. I was HIV positive for 5years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me, but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about DR Umagbai on how he was able to cure someone from Hiv, and any disease this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any problem that DR Umagbai can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me a healing portion, which he wanted me to take for days, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by DR Umagbai i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HIV Negative, friends you can reach DR Umagbai on any treatment for any Disease, reach him on whatsapp number +2348051122286 he's waiting to help if you have any problems..
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    ReplyDelete
  5. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony.. I was HIV positive for 5years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me, but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about DR Umagbai on how he was able to cure someone from Hiv, and any disease this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any problem that DR Umagbai can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me a healing portion, which he wanted me to take for days, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by DR Umagbai i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HIV Negative, friends you can reach DR Umagbai on any treatment for any Disease, reach him on whatsapp number +2348051122286 he's waiting to help if you have any problems..
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    4) Do you want a child.
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    6) you want to keep your husband / wife for you alone forever.
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    10) needs a husband / wife
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  6. I GIVE ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID
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